A First Attempt at Insanity

In an attempt to appease my ever-growing need for exercise, I begged Aunt Chanelle to dig out her Insanity video so I could squeeze some high-intensity cardio and drop a couple pounds before bikini season ends for good. (It makes me so sad to say that). She readily agreed, but asked nonchalantly as she popped  the CD into her Xbox if I knew what I was getting into.

Of course, I had psyched myself up by visualizing that bikini body we women always see so clearly in mind. I just nodded eagerly, tugging at my sweats, and thinking in typical over-achieving Cheyla fashion, this is gonna be no sweat.

Pause. Rewind. If you don't already know, Insanity is this popular workout video that is, true to it's name, INSANE. It's based on short-circuit, high-intensity workouts that are designed to kill you, er, push you to your limits. I was munching on popcorn, splayed out on a hotel bed when I came across an Infomercial on it. Naturally, their six-and-eight pack abdomens were enough of a sell to me.

 Then, when I discovered Chanelle  owned the video, I thought 'aha!'

Okay. So, fast forward again, here I am, reading the fifteen-minute-long WARNING that precedes the home screen. Then there's this huge picture of a bulked-out dude who could be the Incredible Hulk's Cousin. I'm like: Cool! Whatever!

And then I press play. I PRESS PLAY.

Can I just say, I have never done a workout video where the warm up starts so quickly? The dude from the title screen is all, "Why, hello! I'm your trainer! AND HERE WE GO! TWENTY POWER SQUATS! GO GO GOOO!"

So of course I break out into a set of poorly-executed 'power squats', followed with some other crazy maneuvers. Mr. Buff Trainer Dude then proceeds to place intermittent 30-second water breaks, and then moves on to the real workout.

MOTHER OF PEARL.

CHEESE NIBLETS ON FRIDAY.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE REAL WORKOUT.

MY BODY IS ON FIIIIIIREEE!!!

Every round just stretches on longer! I sound like Darth Vadar or something, I'm just gasping and wheezing as I rush to keep up, my limbs flailing all over. There's sweat pouring off my forehead, a puddle collecting at my feet. Then finally, finally, he moves into the last stretch, and gives this uber-goober grin at the camera, telling us to keep at it every day, for sixty days, and we'll have our results.

I dropped to the ground, whimpering, feeling for my muscles, begging them for mercy.

At some point, Aunt Chanelle made me drag myself to the shower, because I really stank, apparently.

And there you have it, my first attempt at Insanity. I'm doing it again tonight.